Mortality Rates

Living has a mortality rate. And that rate is 100%. So everything else which is a subset of living has a lower mortality rate. Lung Cancer. Bungee Jumping. Eating deep fried Twinkies. They all have lower mortality rates than 100%. I hope that is comforting. I feel like I am in Stage Four of Living. Sure, Stage Four anything is not good. Because I never hear about Stage Five. The Grim Reaper has this big badass reputation but Reaper is a loser. I have beaten death 26,958 consecutive days. Thursday I did it by driving 17 miles of back roads from Kenmore to Bellevue instead of taking the freeway. This kept my speed down, insuring that my wife and I would likely survive a car accident. I almost had a heart attack when my wife screamed that I was going to hit a parked car. But my lightening fast reflexes avoided the obstacle. My heart was stronger than the puny Reaper heart. My 17 year old grandson baked a cake for the first time on Wednesday. I had only a nibble to minimize any chance of contracting food poisoning, choking, or succumbing to gluttony. My victories reflect my skill, not luck. I have been outwitting Reaper every single day. The cowardly Grim guy gets token wins by exploiting the sick, the weak, and the elderly like me. Some day if I let my guard down, Reaper may steal my life but I guarantee that he will not beat me at that game twice.

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18 thoughts on “Mortality Rates

  1. LOL. 100% mortality rate. That’s so funny, although life is inevitably a tragedy. Wow, would love to have a piece of your grandson’s cake.
    I wonder if Reaper is up for negotiations. I mean in Buddhism, Yama (the equivalent of Reaper) is up for negotiations. If you can argue well with him and convince him that you need to stay alive for a good cause, he will let you live longer. So brush up the negotiation skills to prepare for the big debate. LOL. I am sure you will win the argument.

    Liked by 1 person

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