Fearless

Stamper Cronyism And Mysticism (SCAM) is back in Businessism. The lawsuits are litigated, the fines are forgiven, and the suspensions are served. We can no longer offer cryptocurrency cons, marriage meddling, or gambling guarantees. But we can roll out new theories for conquering fears. I was awkward as a youth and had a fear of falling. But after applying the Surefire Cautionary Altitude Mobility (SCAM) principles to my daily life, I am able to fall regularly. Likewise, I was afraid of going too fast on bikes, skis, and amusement park rides but now I get speeding tickets almost every time I drive. I always feared saying something stupid but have trained myself to make stupid statements literally every time I open my mouth. Just remember to Send Checks And Money (SCAM) to me for the Stop Cowering At Mirages (SCAM) brochure. It will explain how to conquer your fear of doctors, dentists, and dirty diapers. You will learn how to conduct your own medical exams with the included Scissors Cream And Mirror (SCAM) toolkit. You will be able to scare off swindlers with Sauerkraut Cauliflower And Mushroom (SCAM) sandwiches. Do not be afraid of gaining weight. I can help you do it in two easy and enjoyable steps: (1) Stop exercising; and (2) Eat whatever you want. Are you terrified by Scary Clowns After Midnight (SCAM)? Sign my petition to outlaw funny noses, big ears, and face paint. Best of all, I will teach you the high art of identifying any and all scams. They are everywhere if you look carefully for the telltale signs. Fearmore is not even a word. Be fearless!

My Trip to the Future

I splurged on the Lumon Industries Vacation Trip to the Future. I could barely afford the Budget Groundhog Day Package which took me only as far as 2030 and allowed me to retain memory of just seven experiences when I went through the Severance procedure mind wipe on my return trip: (1) Joe Biden thinks he is still President and issued an Executive Order adding “pink” as an additional rainbow color; (2) The Seattle Mariners still have not been in a World Series but their fans are ecstatic because Taylor Swift is dating their rookie Swedish pitcher Hans Uhm; (3) WordPress is flourishing (this post received 219 “likes”) and one of my Followers (I cannot remember which one) has gone viral and is a bigger social media star than Charli D’Amelio; (4) Johnny Tillotson sang “Poetry in motion” and not “Oh, a tree in motion” according to the prompter at the Cameron Karaoke Bar where I spent most of my time; (5) Humans no longer need to sleep eight hours a night when they plug into a one hour charging machine but some parents are causing a controversy by refusing to charge their children; (6) Napkins, postcards, board games, and fabric softener can only be found in museums.

The biggest shock (7) was the asteroid event that accelerated the already drastic climate change fluctuations. North American temperatures are frigid and getting colder as an ice age descends from the North Pole quicker than anyone could have predicted. Canadians refuse to move south because they would rather freeze to death than relocate to the United States. Americans are protesting at the southern border because Mexico will not let U.S. citizens enter even if they own property there (foreign property is quickly being nationalized). Some Americans are stepping over the Trump Lego Wall and swimming over the border. Others are wealthy enough to procure visas unless they have any criminal record or test positive for the American Virus (AV13) which turns humans stupid and ugly. Meanwhile, undocumented immigrants in the U.S. are flooding back to Central America because jobs are scarce and they are afraid of contracting AV13, the latest virus which rapidly kills brain cells while adding years to your life. A time traveler from the present inadvertently introduced the virus to the future. Hopefully the authorities will not find him.