Confessions of Traveler

I thought my wife and I traveled on different flights to minimize the chances of both dying at once but she recently revealed that traveling with me is like dying a thousand deaths. Last week I forgot to reserve airport shuttle lot parking and ended up driving to the 8th floor rooftop of the expensive on-site parking garage where abandoned vehicles were already parked illegally. Panic attack. Next thing I remember was approaching the security screener while gulping down my water and contact solution and frantically searching for credentials. He asked, “Are you alright today, sir?” His tone had a sobering impact, so I smiled, calmly lied, and tried to cover the coffee milkshake stains on my shirt. I could only pack ten copies of Suicide Squeeze because I needed room in my luggage for birthday gifts, peanut butter, and my portable shower. My grandson Diego turned twelve and we gave him football cleats. Amazing how quickly we abandoned our position on the dangers of football after watching him score three touchdowns in a game. Next year we will probably buy him a motorcycle. Meanwhile, I distributed half my Suicide Squeeze inventory in Little Free Libraries. Regular libraries have long posted signs warning me against depositing non-library books in return bins. One Free Library with a lock required a QR code scan. Quickly Retreat. I could break into the box but would be a prime suspect because I do not write under a pseudonym. So I left two copies at covered bus stops, incorporated two others amongst the skeletons in front lawn Halloween displays, and inserted one in a dog house for sale in Alexandria, Virginia. When I returned to the Seattle airport, a long search in the dark eventually established that I had actually parked legally.

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61 thoughts on “Confessions of Traveler

  1. travel is always rife with crazy happenings, and at times it feels as if we are aliens from another planet, just trying to transport ourselves, keeping our heads down, shoes off, belts off, and wondering if our skeleton can pass the tsa test. but that’s just me. as for your books, a neighbor who was a dad poet, couldn’t get anyone to buy his book of poetry, so he set up a homemade bread stand in his yard and every buyer received a bonus free book of his poetry.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. SeaTac garages are quite daunting. In fact the whole travel by air thing is daunting. Didn’t some famous philosopher or scientist or politician once say “If man were supposed to fly he would have been born with wings” or something like that? At least when I hit 75 I’ll be able to skip the take those shoes off TSA edict. Unless the rules change by then, like the official retirement age thing. That assumes I’ll make it to 75. OK, I’ll shut up now.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. WoW! Absurd blog aside for a moment, I always thought “Suicide Squeeze” as a book was part of your humor! After wading through Taylor Hooton, Rob Garibald, R.W. Bennett, Victor Gischler, David Everson and William Kashatus I found out that YOU actually wrote a book by this same title as these brilliant authors!
    Who knew!?? 😲
    I’ll order one with my next Amazon purchase, although baseball ranks up there with watching paint dry in my interest meter. 😏
    ❀️&πŸ™, c.a.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep, I made a bad choice for a book title back in 2008 and then compounded the mistake on this Blog in 2016. I have learned a lot since then, especially how unqualified I was to write a novel. I keep hoping for faster drying paint to be invented.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This has the whiff of reality to it. At this point, in my scenario, it would just dawn on me on approaching the getaway car that my keys are on the bedside drawer back in our hosts spare bedroom.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I need to learn some marketing tips from you, Geoff. Just sprinkle your words in random places. And I’m glad that you remained on the right side of the law. Hilarious post as always. Vroom! Vroom! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m glad one of you realized the (true) benefit traveling separately is to your relationship. Traveling with my ex was like walking an exuberant dog with untreated ADHD.
    I also weighed guerrilla marketing my books in free libraries – I even ordered my author copies. Then I remembered some of the more X-rated content that made my sister blush and thought better of it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Just spent a month travailing with my wife and her up-at-all-hours-at-night-whistling-while-the kettle-whistles-tap-dancing- on the floor-boards-above-the-room-we’re-trying-to-sleep-in sister. Even two sleeping tablets stirred into her tea only reduced her whistle/witterings to a lower atonal pitch. (Love you, Sis!)

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I do resist planting my book in free libraries that seem to be stocked with children’s books, although my content isn’t all that racy. Of course, I have not read my book since 2008, so I cannot even remember much of what is in it!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. The last time I traveled I sent off all the bells at TSA. After practically stripe searching me they finally let me go still not figuring out why I set the bells off. I figured it was my little passbook card in my pocket. Next time I’ll hurry and put it in my purse. Or just maybe I have one of those faces they choose to stop. I don’t know, but I’m prepared for my next trip, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Well I guess now you can’t fool yourself any longer about the reason you and your wife fly separately! Hey perhaps not getting on an airport shuttle was a good thing. For the trip that we just got back from I fell out of the shuttle when getting off and then clunked my head on the cement curb. I was fine, though I gave my son and husband a little scare at first. But apparently all the times I “smack my head” from different stooges on this blog made my head used to it. All I got was a big lump that took awhile to go away but finally did. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Wow, driving up to the 8th floor of the parking building… it really brings back memories. I remember I did that once in a huge parking building off route 18. It took me a while to figure out how to pay, to find the car when coming back etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. After Wokabaut Publishing booted me off their site, I have usually been able to find copies on Amazon kindle or paperback but the best deal is to contact me offline through WordPress with an address and I will send you a complimentary copy.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I found a copy of your book on ABE.com.
    “Paperback. Condition: GOOD. Spine creases, wear to binding and pages from reading. May contain limited notes, underlining or highlighting that does affect the text. Possible ex library copy, will have the markings and stickers associated from the library. Accessories such as CD, codes, toys, may not be included.”
    From the description, I would infer that someone actually read it. BTW, I paid almost $4.00 for it, including shipping. It’s being shipped from Ogden, UT, so evidently, you have family in Utah.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Anyone reading “Suicide Squeeze” should take note of how this blog post takes two hard whiplash inducing dog legs at “I could only pack…” and “My grandson Diego…” The next one is softened considerably by the literary device known as “meanwhile.” White space and/or hard line breaks have been known to assuage such hairpin turns and even prevent trips to the chiropractor. On the other hand, those of us who use line breaks solely to imply logic where there is none are often confused by postmodernist constructs. 🀣 —line break—
    I traveled for a living. For years. I am frightened of what airports have become, and the relentless personal preparation required to enter one, more so to find my way to an airborne cigar tube full of people intent on sharing their vile and possibly dire airborne funk with me. At least I have the decency to keep my mouth shut and fart.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Truly. Life is full of left field. I should have added that SS is well done, and full of interesting characters populating the three novels under one roof. Which should net you an award for keeping them straight in your own head as well as the readers.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You are a lively fellow! If I had known you earlier, I would have made you a character and also asked you to proof and edit.. Thanks for making meaningful comments about it in the past.

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  12. What l find bizarre about your SS reference Geoff is that there is a doppleganger with the same name as you selling a book by the title Suicide Squeeze? Did you know this? Perhaps the answer is running a campaign where you simpley offer Kindle freebies.

    Of course l could just say ‘build it and they will come’, but that’s not working yet is it? Things take time? Rome wasn’t built in a day [it took 700 years], Small things come in pretty packages .. mm, maybe not.

    Of course maybe displaying the book on top of your blog?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It took me over three years to get a photo on the icon or gravatar or whatever it is called, so you will never see photos or graphics on my posts. I found out too late that many authors had already used the title Suicide Squeeze. And most of those books were not even about baseball!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I imagine finding one of your books would be like finding one of those painted rocks you never expect to trip over! πŸ˜€ I’ve yet to do so, but maybe your book will hurl me into even greater discoveries!! Hugs to you if I find one!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have had a couple of cars that I have wished I could have lost in a parking garage. “Yes officer, I parked it right here and now it’s gone.” Do you think they would check other floors?

    Liked by 1 person

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