I spotted two fruit flies in the kitchen yesterday, so we cannot yet bring the fruit back from the laundry room and garage. I will continue explaining that my clothes are clean even though fruit flies are swirling around me. I used to keep the heat off to freeze fruit flies out until we had a pipe burst one year. We are like the people who track their steps, gas mileage, or lawn mowings except we record insect invasions. When we purchased our home 27 years ago, the previous owner gave us a hint when he said, “I don’t know what you think about pesticides but I like to use them around the perimeter of the house.” The next summer we learned why he sold his home. A bizarre variety of bugs concentrated their main invasion under a glass wall adjacent to the front door. They flew and crawled inside onto a stairway landing ledge. We hired gardeners to pull up all the foliage at the front of the house. But each August the pests terrorized us on schedule. We avoided vacationing or inviting people over during wartime. About a decade ago, the frightening core invasion suddenly ceased and we now exist with normal insect activity. My wife continues to take extraordinary preventive measures which will be more specifically identified on my death certificate.
My grandson Sebastian is 21 and is finishing a four year program for students with special needs. He has lived with us since fourth grade and is special in many ways but he did develop an insect phobia. He still assaults regular flies with swatters, brooms, vacuum cleaners, rags, or wads of paper towels. His movements are not subtle and he has killed more lamps than flies. He is inadvertently and randomly helping us downsize. His main strategy is to leave doors and windows open so a fly will exit but, of course, more flies enter than leave. I have tried to slow him down by suggesting he may be reincarnated as an insect. He finds the concept preposterous and yet he will tell a prospective employer that his ten year plan is to become Batman. I have suggested he aspire to be Robin because Batman does the driving and Sebastian does not have a license. He is capable enough to travel everywhere by bus and smart enough to know how not to get a job. But he can only be Batman if Mollie and I live forever, so we are contemplating liquidating my 401(k) to invest in Fountain of Youth Seltzer.
Sebastian’s 14 year old sister Zofia has big ears and asked me what a 401(k) is and if I am in debt. I gave her very humorous answers to help her grow up to be the funniest poor person in the room. She has been attending some parties in beautiful homes on the water and on big estates with horses. She mused, “Wouldn’t it be great to be rich?” I love answering rhetorical questions and informed Zofia that she is embarrassingly wealthy by any meaningful Earth standard. But all she knows is that she has never been to Disneyland like all her friends. I once blogged that I could jog to Bill Gates’ Xanadu 2.0 house in Medina, Washington, even though he lives in a different Universe. I was faking self deprecation to brag that I could still run. Zofia has a close friend whose father runs in 100 mile races around the world. So I can no longer boast about my running to him or anyone who is within five degrees of separation from him.
Everything is relative, so I am forced to revert to bragging about five relatives who are my grandchildren. I hope they do something impressive in November or you will be hearing about my screenplay Gilmore Guys where Mayor Harry Gilmore is an unreliable narrator who introduces us to the small town of Derivative where every week the brooding town sheriff (Perry Gilmore) solves a murder, the quirky town doctor (Barry Gilmore) cures a resident infected with Fruit Fly Ebola, and the town drunk (Harry Gilmore) charms us all. The head of the Chamber of Commerce is a former beauty queen (Mary Gilmore) who is being courted by all three men while her best friend (Terry Gilmore) is dating triplets (Cary, Larry, and Jerry Gilmore). Spoiler Alert: I am hoping the town’s serial killer (Gary Gilmore) murders all of them by Episode 3.
Suicide Squeeze 