Dear Occupant

~ Geoff Stamper

Happy Politically Correct Yearend Celebration,

What a Year! Hubby’s business partner Ice Pick Ike disappeared, so Hubby is running the company by himself while coping with all the criminal investigations. We cut short our annual vacation to the Cayman Islands to take delivery on our new Bugatti La Voiture Noire. Hubby was so busy at the annual company bonfire that he missed Uno’s graduation from Harvard. That slight is going to cost us a new boat. Dos is taking another gap year to plan a gender reveal party. And Little Tres is setting high school records on the soccer field. Last Saturday after scoring eight goals, he moved to goalie and we lost the shutout when our coach’s kid, Wrong Way Willie, accidentally knocked the ball in our net. It was so embarrassing. But not as bad as the day Tres forgot to wear his Speedo at the swim meet. I am now the Club Tennis Champion after my opponent withdrew with a broken arm right before the championship game. What a bummer that I was robbed of a chance to win on the court. I will never forgive her for not playing with the arm in a sling. Our charity fundraiser at the Grand Royale Hotel raised over two million dollars for Guns for Girls, an initiative to make girls feel safer in our elementary schools. After expenses, we should have over $50,000 to purchase firearms. One bit of sad news: Hubby’s mother died after losing a battle with her Vegematic. We wired the most amazing dandelion arrangement to the funeral parlor. I hope you were finally able to lose weight this past year. Do not send us anything as we are moving and do not yet have a forwarding address. Rob and Carrie Cash🤶

26 thoughts on “Dear Occupant”

  5. I did a post once about this girl I knew in my young life who was born with a “Will Breed and Cook for Five Star Country Club Membership” tattoo on her forehead that could only be seen by men with personal or legacy net worth over $10 million – before their earning years kicked in. In fact, I went to high school with a gaggle of them. A friend sends me pics of one of them he digs out of the internet occasionally. Too many tanning booths, tennis lessons and island vacations later she looks like a Hillshire’s Summer Sausage with a couple of net-free soccer balls bolted on for effect, all of it under a blonde wig brushed with a blender. I have no idea how she can stand, much less tell if her shoes match. I’m sure tennis is in the rear view ’cause if those soccer balls got any momentum, well, you get the picture. God knows we all love the “Be a darling and run me 250 copies of this and send them to my Christmas mailing list.” Two mill to 50k. Sounds like the Dallas City Council. Very Good. I always wondered what those people called their kids if they had more than two. I mean what’s left after Bubby and Sissy?

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  12. We were having a party and then Mary left so we all jumped for Joy, who was not that impressed!

    Hahaha, nicely done 🙂

    reminded me a little of Dick and Jane.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment