Deflowered

~ Geoff Stamper

I used to think my capabilities were declining but have decided that my abilities remain constant but life is becoming more complicated. This past week two people close to us experienced the loss of a spouse. This is not an unusual coincidence when we reside in a peer group of people in their 70’s and 80’s. My wife and I knew sending flowers would be a two person job. She gets on the computer and I hover behind her. We double check condolence floral selections, billing information, and recipient names, addresses, and messages. My wife wants to check the box adding $2.01 for free shipping for a year. I spring into action and alert her to click on the “Terms and Conditions” button. We were willing to forfeit my stamp collection and consider giving up rights to our eldest son. But then I caught a whiff of monthly fees after the free period is over. Jim Adams in A Unique Title For Me has exposed this technique which is known as Work of the Devil. We declined and congratulated ourselves. But after ordering, I wondered why “shipping fees” were not “delivery fees.” A closer examination of our confirmation showed anticipated delivery by December 4th. My grandson Sebi broke his hip last Friday and flowers arrived from his aunt in Atlanta two days later by the old fashioned magic of a contracting network of local florists. I should have just stolen Sebi’s floral arrangement and driven it 25 miles to our closest recipient. The widows involved could be remarried by the time our flowers arrive, if they even show up at all. I am never surprised when I look like an idiot but will be surprised if the flowers eventually appear looking like the picture in the advertisement.

34 thoughts on “Deflowered”

  4. I hate it when there’s so much kept secret from the customer. At times, ordering the product isn’t as difficult as understanding the terms and conditions. And then too, things can go wrong. You always bring out the humor in every subject in an insane way. I’m sure your wife laughs a lot (at your humor and not you). Maybe that drive would’ve been cheaper and quicker. 🙂

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  5. Oh gosh about December 4th! Sorry about the frustrating experience but it did make me laugh, like your posts do! You can make any situation humorous. Do let us know if she is remarried before she gets the flowers. 😄

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    1. Me too last year, in fact when the flowers stopped I carried on till spring picking up cheap flowers from my greengrocers and other local shops when out shopping. My neighbours were intrigued as to why I was always walking by with flowers!

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  7. December 4th? Sheesh. That’s why Amazon and connected franchises are killing. FTD probably could have found a hungry florist down the street and had the flowers there before the dirt was back in the hole. I must also say this reads like a conversation I had with a friend who’s 81. I asked him how his week had been and he said “I’ve been to two funerals, made a hospital visit, and took my wife to physical therapy twice. My oldest son has lost his mind, Safeco put the wrong mortgagee on my insurance claim check and the roofer is up there ripping shingles off my house expecting to get paid today. How about you?”

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  8. I went in a local florist years ago to order flowers from Interflora. I then heard the customer in front of me say ‘Can we have flowers that aren’t dead this time please.’ That was a bit embarrassing, should I escape while I could… But I figured out my flowers were for the other side of London and would not come from that shop. I have received flowers that were past their best, but didn’t like to tell the giver!

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    1. That is always tricky. Theoretically the sender would like to know if subpar product is delivered but I cannot bring myself to pass on the bad news unless they ask a pointed question. Anything that looks good, I text a picture to the sender.

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  9. The moral of the story is never presume a company is offering you (and countless others) something out of the goodness of their heart. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with the profit motive, but it’s up to buyers to beware and decide where to draw the line when the methods raise questions.

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      1. I too am “a suspicious cynic” and should have said so in my previous comment.

        Remember the old sales pitch by vendors at baseball stadiums: “You can’t tell the players without a scorecard”? One of the most frustrating things about sales pitches is that it can be next to impossible to tell the good guys from the bad guys “without a scorecard” — and good luck finding that “scorecard.”

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  10. Good catch! However, one happy side effect of missing the December 4th delivery would have been an accidental reminder after the initial wave of sympathies subsided, yours would arrive to remind them people would still be thinking of them.

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  14. Okay, young man, that title is full-on click bait. But it did get me here. I do agree with many here, that even if the flowers are delivered somewhat belated, they may well reinforce a feeling of caring that has started to subside for the receiver. That is why I still love to buy local!

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