Worst Man

I have never been a Best Man for some really good reasons, like consistently putting myself first in all personal relationships. I was once asked to be a Best Man but the offer was rescinded when a better man became available. The outlook is not good for fulfilling this Bucket List item. This is a reminder to start working on a Bucket List before you get old. Young people do not think about kicking the bucket. They do not feel immediate pressure to go skydiving in the nude because they think they can do that any time. If you want to climb Mount Everest, do not wait until your 70’s unless “dying on a mountain” is also on your list. I have no surviving unmarried brothers and have been unable to break up marriages of relatives or friends. Just trying to cause divorces has severely lessened the odds that I would ever be selected Best Man for a second marriage. So I am now targeting strangers. I chat up young couples who look like they might be on the cusp of an Engagement. I ask the guys if they want to go to a bar and watch football games. This is awkward because the guys who accept my invitation are coincidentally the ones who end up breaking up with their girl friends. One guy offered me a role as a groomsman but I have done that twice and he was so drunk he did not remember his pledge the next day. Besides he lives with his mother and has not had a date since the Mariners last won the World Series. If my wife predeceases me, I plan to remarry and make myself Best Man.