Baseball Barely Back

Last night the Seattle Mariners played their home opener against the Oakland Athletics. The result was not available at press time because we party on Friday afternoons and I usually pass out on the bathroom floor by the fourth inning after washing down a tub of Nasty Nachos with a pitcher of Sangria and a mixing bowl of fried ice cream. I was planning to honor tradition and publish my annual baseball Blog when the Mariners were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs but I realize their season could end instantaneously with a COVID-19 outbreak. So although the playoffs are expanded this season and Seattle is not yet technically eliminated, I am considering their elimination pending until after TBMHWFH. That is a hip internet acronym for They Break My Heart With False Hope. No wait, that might be the one for The Bowel Movement Has Withered From Heat. Regardless, my pending friend Bob from Olalla suggests the Mariners should seat fans in the ballpark at staggered intervals and field a team of cardboard cutouts instead of the other way around. I believe this is preferable to current arrangements in professional sports where players are real and fans are virtual. Dangerous player interactions would be avoided without reducing Seattle’s chance to qualify for postseason play. Fans could be quarantined in the stadium bubble for the short season and the bullpens could serve as medical facilities for anyone who still manages to test positive for Coronavirus. Action on the field could be dictated by dice rolls with long periods of time between each roll to match the pace of a real baseball game. Although make up games have now been shortened to seven innings, they will still be played in the same amount of time as a nine inning contest.