Garden Party

I found my way home yesterday for the second consecutive time. My memory has improved ever since I began taking ice cream supplements. I knocked on wood to insure that my good luck would hold and asked my wife Mollie to see who was knocking at the door. Nobody was there and she had a long conversation with him. She would not tell me what they talked about because she thinks I cannot keep a secret. Which is ridiculous. The other people I tell are the ones who cannot keep their mouths shut. Doctors are the worst. Every time I confide in them, they send me to specialists who prescribe medicine with horrible side effects. Pretty soon nurse practitioners, pharmacists, and the FedEx guy all know my most embarrassing secrets.

One secret item not found on my resume is a magna cum laude degree I earned from the College of Big Meddling and Criticizing. Big MAC taught me that Nature abhors a vacuum. When I am doing the talking, I am invariably boring people. But if I restrain myself, some other boring person fills the vacuum. That does not mean that I hang with uninteresting people. At a garden party where Stephen Hawking was explaining Einstein’s E=MC squared formula, my eyes glazed over. I interjected that I was working on E=MC cubed but everyone yawned. I gravitated toward the bar and told Jerry Seinfeld that Jane Fonda had a suppository in her left ear. He quickly excused himself to go tell her where her missing hearing aid was.


51 thoughts on “Garden Party

  1. This is really hilarious, Geoff! Lol. Why take all the blame when it can be passed on? Isn’t that the purpose of blame? And a misplaced suppository can never find its way home. The hearing aid can be a pain in the ass. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hilarious stuff, Geoff! There were definitely sounds coming from my mouth as I read this. The wife had to investigate. She’s still determining whether it was a snicker, snort, or guffaw.

    The Fed-Ex guy has The National Enquirer on speed dial.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I was disappointed in not seeing anything about Ricky Nelson or Johnny B. Goode but I think I know what’s wrong with me. I need to increase my Ice Cream supplements. (announcer voice)Ice Cream. It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Aristotle treated the Aether as the finest of substances that filled up space, he thought it was a fifth ‘element’ alongside Air, Water, Fire and Earth founded on the principle that nature abhorred a vacuum or nothingness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I just ordered the book after spending an hour trying to check out of Amazon with two other items and spending an hour in endless loops with auto chat. I feel like I am a rotary pay phone transported to the future where everyone communicates with mental telepathy.


      1. I don’t eat a lot of ice cream these days. Probably because – as with many foods – I consider any ice cream a single serving portion. However, I realize now that not doing so has only cost me the pleasure of eating ice cream…plus the expanding waistline but only brain fog because I skimped.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I have a missing hearing aid, but my audiologist says his proctologist will be looking for it. The best thing about being the sober one or the quiet one is all the good stories. Most of which you can’t tell…

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Ice cream supplements are essential. The only side effect that has bothered me was the one time I got moose tracks all over myself.

    The problem of boredom and conversation is a tough one. When I talk, other people are bored. When others talk, I am bored. We Irish people have an added problem the we can be pompous while we are being boring. And everyone knows that there’s nothing worse than an emerald ass borer.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Welcome back. I have missed your posts for the last several months. I sometimes imagine what kind of interesting things you must be doing when you are away from WP. Now I know you are hanging with another crowd. Still, you come back to us and this means a lot.

    Liked by 2 people

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