Longevity Tips

~ Geoff Stamper

I did the first fifty years on my own but have been counting on the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) to get me the second half of the way to 100 years old. Three tips I excerpted from the December/January AARP Magazine:

(1) Tai chi is not a beverage for those who suffer from dyslexia but rather a martial art practiced for defense and health. Tai chi balance exercise: “Stand on one foot for 30 seconds and balance, then switch.” This seems counterintuitive. Seniors are warned that our biggest threat is falling down. And standing on one foot is the fastest way to fall down. I have trouble remaining upright on two feet. If I could balance on one foot for half a minute, I would be in little danger of ever falling down.

(2) One of the ten “subtle signs” that you might have Osteoporosis is “broken bones.” Presumably from doing crazy things like entering Standing on One Foot contests at the Senior Citizen Center. I could write such warnings. One of the subtle signs that you are dead: lack of breathing for over an hour.

(3) One product that “could save your life” just by going to the bathroom: “The Heart Seat by Casana is a toilet seat that measures blood pressure, blood oxygen and heart rate.” The seat shares the data it gathers to a “secure dashboard” which allows primary care physicians and/or cardiologists to monitor your health trends. I may have to opt out of some of these measures and settle for just making it to age 90.

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61 thoughts on “Longevity Tips”

  1. did they mention that you can hurt something when laughing after reading a humorous post about it all? and how it makes you spit coffee out on your computer? (asking for a friend)

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  3. Ah, yes. Weight bearing exercise is also goo for bone strength. I assumed letting dogs drag me around for two miles a day and forcing myself to stand several times in a twenty four hour period was enough. No. There’s the give your self a belly button hernia routine available at a gym near you. Membership discounted through AARP. I have personal knowledge of such activity and would not recommend it. I might reconsider if the membership included fast food discounts that would cut the price of a Big Mac down to something reasonable. Say, $20.

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  5. Oooh, I want to put that toilet seat on my Kohler Numi 2.0 toilet. That way when I flush my $8,625 toilet, the heart attack I get from knowing that my poop is going down a tube that costs almost as much as my last medication will be immediately available to my doctor who will be vacationing in the Bahamas.
    At least he’ll know.
    https://www.kohler.com/en/products/toilets/shop-toilets/numi-2-0-one-piece-elongated-smart-toilet-dual-flush-30754-pa?skuId=30754-PA-0

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  6. AARP has left me alone since that time it personally addressed me in my FIFTIES through the mailbox and I ignored the offers of their free loot. Cousin signed me up for Prevention, though… Reading those things is exhausting enough.

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  9. This is such an educational blog full of good advice or something like that. Thank you so much for caring about me and my health, but,

    I’d rather have a chai tea than try tai chi, especially the standing on one leg part. Thankfully I haven’t broken any bones since I was in my early twenties. I think the VA did a bone density thing on me a while back and I’m okay. I grew up in Wisconsin drinking whole milk, eating cheese, and using butter – all things I still do. I think I’ll do just as well without that toilet seat, either.

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    1. I spent my Middle School years in Wisconsin. I drank whole milk, skipped the cheese, but lathered on the butter. Seattle turned me on to skim milk, taught me to like cheese, but took away the butter. So you are definitely more consistent than me!

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  13. If you find a doctor who will return your phone calls, I MIGHT consider a toilet seat that transmits pertinent data to the alleged health care provider. My HMO grants me access to a clinic that professes to have multiple doctors who specialize in various fields, but so far, I’ve only seen Physician’s Assistants who listlessly dismiss any complaints as “something old people get” and note things I’ve been unaware of, like chronic kidney disease, based on my ill-advised admission that I drink a glass of red wine several times a week.

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    1. Theoretically, we should feel relieved not to get past a physician’s assistant because getting to the doctor probably means we are seriously ill. And red wine is one of the best preventative medicines.

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  22. It is said that 50% of people who are born in the 21st century will live up to 90 to 100. With good healthcare of course. So it is something to think about. It is a little unsettling to think that people are going to spend almost 1/3 of their life in retirement, worrying about osteoporosis and Alzheimer’s…

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  23. I have a friend who like to practice standing on foot with eyes closed. I don’t understand why he wants to do that. I guess everybody needs to vent his crazy thought in some way.

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  24. I have never tried Tai Chi – I prefer a Mai Tai. Although if you are not careful, you can end up standing on one foot that way too. Usually at night and under the watchful eye of a patrol officer.

    And a heart seat – wow. I have had my heart in my throat before, but I don’t think I would want it down there.

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