I’ve Got Mail

I am amazed at how many prominent companies send their urgent messages by junk mail. PayPal, my bank, and my credit union notify me in my spam folder when they freeze my accounts. Amazon cancels my orders the same way. Only the urgent cyber breach alerts seem to get through the filters. Nothing is more important to me than a surprise inheritance, a lottery win, or even a Yeti Tundra Haul from Dick’s Sporting Goods. But those messages inexplicably arrive as junk mail. Luckily, I devour my spam and monitor my junk.

Sonobello Liposuction claims it is not too late to get my body back with one day fat and cash removal. I want my body back but FedEx just junk mailed me that the Sonobello shipment has been delayed until after the Senior Olympics. Renewal by Anderson assumes I am looking for energy efficient windows when all I want is someone to clean them. If I subscribe to Zoosk, they promise to find my love. But I already know where she is, namely wandering from room to room in our house looking for her car keys, phone, and the cash that Mortgage.net wants us to take out of our home. Neither of us can remember where we hid that cash or we would definitely take it out of the house and treat everyone to banana splits at Dairy Queen.

WordPress, my most faithful correspondent, repeatedly wrote me about other Bloggers finding my posts “pretty awesome.” Despite the redundant praise, I never tired of it. But when I requested a quote for a plan upgrade to “totally awesome” posts, WordPress switched me to “New like!” If I win the lottery, I will purchase the package that comes with celebrity comments and see if those generate more traffic.


73 thoughts on “I’ve Got Mail

    1. I was recently told by a chiropractor that sitting with a wallet in my back pocket was awful for my spine. He must have surely overestimated the wad in my wallet. But the fat I got…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. and don’t forget the viking cruises, emptying of savings, and high likelihood of a virus at sea, winning combo! I’m also always amazed when aarp reminds me (as they have done for many years) that I am overdue, lucky to qualify, and way more than eligible to join.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Alaska would be amazing! my only cruise was a nightmare long weekend on carnivale in the Bahamas. and I was the leader of a big group. but that’s another story )

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Spam is often way more interesting than regular mail. And I did struggle with how the celebrity line would go over. I kept thinking of the Steve Martin line as Cyrano de Bergerac when he addressed a group saying something like: “I would rather be with you than the finest people in the World.”

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahaha, I get junk mail from paypal, my bank, Amazon too in my gmail. LOL. I tried to unsubscribe, but probably I didn’t go through with all the buttons and it ended up the whole unscubscribing process was not completely gone through. I like the idea of alternative olympics. An olympics for people who are awkward and slow like me

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Usually the banks and merchants I deal with get to me through my regular email. The imposters are the ones usually lurking in the spam, junk mail, but sometimes the real mail. Hovering with the mouse arrow over the sender’s name usually brings up the underlying email address. So if the sender is “Amazon” but the email is “obiwan@idiot.com,” I know not to click on it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The Spam in my WordPress ‘spam catcher’ today said I was awesome too: “You tower over meI look up to you with such rare admirationIn your line of view” Another possible admirer said: “бензоат натрия купить”… maybe a dialect from Planet Lemmingo?
    No, wait – I ran it through a translator and it is Russian for sodium benzoate…

    Liked by 5 people

  4. My family loved the part about the banana splits. Please don’t forget us. I once won a million-dollar lottery from Chevron and Coca-Cola. I sent them the 4 thousand dollar entry fee but am still waiting for the million dollars to be transferred into my account.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Fat and cash! A friend wanted to know how junk mail knew to stop sending him Russian brides and switched to viagra. The best one was the other day my wife got an email from some holistic health place about their concern for her enlarged prostate. The magic button in WordPress is “off” for email notifications of comments or posts. It keeps the element of surprise alive.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. The food snob in me wants to deny it, but I’ve eaten and enjoyed Spam in my previous life as an omnivore. I draw the line at seaweed, having been suckered into tasting it on a guided sea-kayaking tour off Orcas Island. The experience was right up there with tasting Guinness in Ireland.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. My spam calls always seem to be about warranties for my 11 and 16 year old cars and the unpleasant fate the government has for me if I don’t pay a tax delinquency by credit card right this second.

    The emails are mostly from some online seller of everything that thinks my name is voqnzcn. I know they don’t know me because my real friends know there’s an R in the name.

    All this talk of Spam is making me hungry. It goes great with cheap store brand boxed Mac and cheese. But a DQ field trip would work too.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Totally awesome post!

    Do l win anything?

    I am oft, lovely word, reminds me of aft, which reminds me of daft, and soft, not just daft soft or soft daft but oft and aft. I am surprised by how often junk mail finds me by conventional postage and on things l wouldn’t even look at online.

    Liked by 1 person

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