Mid-Year Resolutions

I love having hair on the top of my head. I hate cutting it, so I pay someone else to do it. I hate that it does not all grow back. I hate having weeds in my yard. I hate pulling them but am too cheap to pay someone else to do it. I hate that they all grow back, get married, and raise their children in my garden. I favor love but I am sentenced with more hate. So I am going to make some changes. I plan to hire my barber to cut my weeds. And I am going to pull out my own hair.

I love pizza, cookies, and ice cream. I can eat them even when I am not hungry. I can consume beets, radishes, and sweet potatoes but not when I am full, unless they are smothered in marshmallows. So my next Resolution is to stay full more often.

I crave accomplishments. I hate wasting so much of my life sleeping so I am going to stay up a couple hours later every night playing Spider Solitaire. I also crave popularity. So I have to eliminate some guilty pleasures like interrupting, mansplaining, and criticizing. My wife tried to tell me why that would be impossible, so I cut her off mid-sentence and explained why her negativity is such a poison. She said she would be submitting her own resolution in writing.

52 thoughts on “Mid-Year Resolutions

  1. sounds like you are well on your way to minimizing, downsizing, criticizing, and organizing. all of the ‘izings’ are covered, except for sanitizing, and being wiz-ing. thanks for not interrupting or mainsplaining this important message as I am headed out to a fast food restaurant to do some super-sizing.

    Liked by 7 people

  2. Pulling out your own hair may be a painful proposition. But the cookies, pizza, and ice cream might make you feel better. I’d like to be popular too but am afraid that you need to be able to tolerate people for that. So that’s off my list. And don’t be discouraged by anyone or anything. But listen to the marshmallows no matter what. Great humor, Geoff! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Pizza, cookies, and ice cream I get, but marshmallow-covered radishes? We shall have to part company on that one. And I don’t know why wives gotta be womansplainin’ stuff all the time. If a man says he’ll do something, he’ll do it, there’s no need to nag him every three months.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. “Man is the only animal that eats when he is not hungry, drinks when he is not thirsty and ‘speaks’ when he has nothing to say!” (Michael Lerner) I suppose we COULD add, “Blogs when he knows very little” but then we’d also have to add, “Comments when he knows even less!” 😉

    Liked by 4 people

  5. 😂 Will look forward to hearing how those resolutions work for you! I do agree that sweet potatoes with marshmallows is the best way to eat them.
    My husband says that there is always room for ice cream, it fills in the cracks.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I know there is this ‘All Women are geniuses, Men are all morons’ divide between most average trad couples. Now, call me dumb, but as a guy I can’t comprehend why my cherished, usually good-natured and ever-understanding wife refuses to see my lucid and obviously brilliant logic either. Perhaps if I can sit her down, again explain to her how she just doesn’t understand the nuts and bolts of the male mind…
    Geoff, I understand and sympathise with your point of view / Something my sweet darling wife would never do / She too cannot believe I can change one whit / She says I’m all empty promises, yet full of it.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Watching the Tour de France is cutting into my Spider Solitaire time these days. What I don’t understand is how I can lose so many allegedly winnable games. Maybe it has something to do with dozing off while I’m still playing.

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      1. Back in 2003, whichever version of Windows that was, I won 200 games in a row of Mah Jong. I took a screen shot. That was the day I quit spending time on Computer games and went back to the equally productive pursuits of electronic music and writing. Neither has made me more popular or given me the feeling of accomplishment as a successful trip to the bathroom or 200 in a row. My daughter has a bag of caramel and chocolate drizzle marshmallows on her kitchen counter. I ignore it and consider myself superior to those who open it. Barbers (excuse me, stylists) should be good at landscaping, considering it’s what they do only on a smaller scale. But considering what they charge and the size of the area they work I would think the cost would be prohibitive. Since no one else will listen, I try to tell Irish Setters it’s not a good idea to empty trash cans or eat 9 volt batteries. They look like they’re listening, but it becomes obvious 15 minutes later they were not. I love these uninterrupted conversations. The only place no one says “That’s nice, but” and walks off.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Glad to see you are an equal opportunity blogger and can break resolutions at the start and even middle of the year. Keep up the good work, Geoff!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I just had to switch to a new barber (prior one retired) so I need to get a few more cuts from him before deciding if he should take on the weeds. That being said, I have no desire to work on my own hair so he may wind up doing double duty. I think if I hadn’t given up interrupting, mansplaining, and criticizing my wife years ago I’d be in a very dark place indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I actually do like cutting my own hair- it always turns into a bit of a disaster but oh well. At least you seem to have gotten over your interrupting and mansplaining problem.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Thank you. I used to fret about the weeds in my lawn, but I now understand that it is just family-friendly.

    And why are they always marshmallows? Just once I’d like a mallow for a prairie or a forest.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. According to Betty the Gardener, “Pliny the Elder asserted that mallow was an aphrodisiac.” Pliny the Elder helped raise his nephew Pliny the Younger. I have no idea if the Elder or Younger had children.

      Liked by 2 people

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