Fatty Tumor

My high school did not offer Auto Shop or Biology. So I am clueless about carburetors and internal organs but my theoretical education taught me that carbonem is Latin for carburetor. Apparently Latinites run their vehicles on charcoal. Carbonem was easy for a teenage boy to remember but I was absent when the word haemorroidis was introduced. My college roommates called each other “butt pimples” but I never made the connection. In my late 40’s, pain and blood in a scary place prompted an appointment where a doctor offered to freeze off my hemorrhoid. I declined and raced to the pharmacy for Preparation H (Humiliation).

Many questions circulated about my health when I prematurely retired from Blogging. My wife says “many” is an exaggeration and suggests Preparation N for Narcissism. I wiped out my free time trying to schedule deferred medical, dental, vision, and skin screening appointments as far out as October. I used escalating magic words (blood, maggots, zombies) to entice one scheduler to book me in person with a nurse practitioner last week to look at the six inch diameter mound on my back. She said it was only a Lipoma and not to worry (“nine out of ten okay”). I knew nothing about Lipoma in English or Latin. The NP took celebratory pictures with my camera and hers, questioned how my wife and I were so oblivious to such a huge growth, and showed me a Wikipedia page (“oh look, there is one as big as yours”). She scheduled an ultrasound [could a baby be inside my pouch?]. When I explained everything to my wife, she opened the same Wikipedia page and read back the exact same information to me. My only question: How much weight can I lose by surgically removing the Lipoma?

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