16. Head Lice Assassin

My popularity has cratered. Cartel Hogg threatened to slap my face for making his family and Planet Lemmingo look bad in my last post. Cookie’s wife said that post was too “preachy.” Fellow Lemmingolians landed in Earth, Texas (population 1066), on the spacecraft after mine. Not the best location to punch in the GPS unless you crave immigration crises. Cookie advises me to stay away from Texas and apply for employment no Earthlings would want so that I do not steal anyone’s job.

I searched several job websites [citation needed] and Head Lice Assassin caught my attention. I do not know if the position entails eradicating all head lice or just assassinating the Leader of the Lice. I am swiping left on Sewer Swimmer and Odor Tester/Armpit Sniffer. Other unappealing job opportunities include Slaughterhouse Worker, Mortuary Attendant/Embalmer, Pest Controller, Pet Food Taster, Crime Scene Cleaner, Festival Litter Picker, and Portable Toilet Pumper. A Semen Collector receives only $17,000 annually, so no one is doing that for the money. They must just love animals. If willing to relocate to India, I could be a Street Ear Cleaner but worry about popping eardrums like bubble wrap. My Catch 22: Why do I want a job nobody wants?

Cookie thinks he can get me employed as a Mascot. Sports teams and other promotions use them and I have a built in costume. Maybe the Washington Commanders football team in the nation’s capital would consider changing their name to Washington Lemmings. Perhaps the Seattle Mariners could replace their Moose mascot with a Lemming. Or at least change their name to Seattle Moose. Neither the Mariners nor the Moose have inspired any success, so Cookie suggests turning a three foot Lemming loose in the stadium to see what happens.


37 thoughts on “16. Head Lice Assassin

  1. I have a character, a commercial artist, who worked for an athletic attire (read that as t-shirts and uniforms) manufacturer to clients from grade schools to the pros. Her observation about mascots –
    “… I can’t stand it. Flaming horse heads and flying shoes, frogs with foot long tongues and Trojans everywhere. I mean everywhere. There is way more condom symbolism in our schools than has ever seen the inside of a drug store or the outside of a penis. I think that one’s on the government, to remind horny kiddies to bag their babies before they can hatch. Don’t you?”
    She never mentioned Lemmings but I can see it now… If everyone ran the wrong way for a touchdown, would you?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Head Lice Assassin—every reference makes me think of things from my teaching career. I had children who habitually had head lice. It certainly wasn’t their fault. Chances are they were getting them most often at home. Their heads had to be cleared (thankfully, not my job) before returning. Since the lice were still in the house, they often got them again. One fifth-grader with long hair came in, and his head was completely shaved. When the kids asked him about it, he openly said, “My mom thought this was the best way to get rid of my lice.”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. A Semen Collector ……….. is that like a door to door Encyclopedia deal of sorts except you are armed with a collection cup? What happens if they don’t freely hand it over to you, do you have to tug them for it?

    An attendant for dead bodies in a mortuary would be quiet, dead boring, but quiet or is it just that the dead are boring?

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I love the let the lemming loose in the stadium and gauge the audience reaction approach. the ultimate focus group/test market/litmus test. the response will quickly make things clear.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. A head lice assassin sounds like a fascinating career. I have watched lots of movies that involve assassins and think I could do it. I think the trick would be to become proficient with a really small caliber rifle.

    Unless I misunderstood and they are actually seeking an assassin with head lice. In which case proficiency with a large caliber rifle and poor personal hygiene are the qualifications.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You have always been a lot more than an accounting teacher, Jim. You beat me to everything. I went 2,016 consecutive posts when I stopped that at the end of February. And I have written my more complete retirement to be posted probably on Friday. Then I am going to sit back and occasionally “like” some posts without any taint of reciprocity or suspicion of skimming! 😎

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks, Geoff. We seem to have quite a bit in common!

        I look forward to your post on Friday. I plan to do the same thing, read a few blog posts here and there, and add a comment when I can.

        The past couple of days seemed to have reduced my stress level a bit, with no blog posts, and not as much reading other blog posts and commenting as before.

        Liked by 1 person

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