8. MUCUS Rules

Martian Upper Court for Urgent Stuff (MUCUS) issued a decision: (1) deporting the Americans based on their color, criminality, and [incongruously] their threat to replace Martian workers in the underground mines making margarine, marzipan, and marshmallows; (2) stripping Starship Sagan of all supplies; and (3) allowing me to stay or leave Mars. Captain Quirk retaliated by proclaiming Mars an American territory without representation. I chose Earth because Martian food does not agree with me. I want to live where people and food agree with me. Cookie says I will be famous on Earth. I can tell by the emails filling up my inbox. The protocol requiring me to wear pants turned out well because I am bombarded with mail from promiscuous humans who think I am very sexy. I am also incredibly lucky to be winning so many lotteries. I am discovering long lost relatives, presumably offspring from unauthorized artificial insemination experiments conducted by Dr. Wiesner during visits to my home planet Lemmingo. Lucrative business deals come out of nowhere and fall in my lap. The word is out about my impending wealth; advertisers hawk everything from shower curtains with pockets for phones and iPads to a selfie stick for dogs (phone attachment holds a tennis ball to keep your dog’s attention). I am becoming forgetful as evidenced by overdue taxes, unexpected delivery notices, and debt on credit cards I cannot remember owning. An agency representing Dos Equis asked me to apply for a position as Most Interesting Creature in the Universe. Interestingly enough, I ordered the Audition Package. Stamper did sue me for stealing his Blog but has agreed to be my agent and attorney. How lucky can I get?!

Advertisement