Testing Testing Testing

~ Geoff Stamper

Just after complaining I hated tests, Mother Nature sent me three of them yesterday. The Sound Of Water Gushing Test (SOWGT) measured my curiosity. I thought my restraint was being tested so I did not bang on the bathroom door and tell my grandson Sebi to quit wasting water in the shower. Later my wife informed me I flunked SOWGT because the water was actually gushing out of an overhead light fixture in the ceiling covering our backyard patio. The ensuing Water Shutoff Test (WST) measured my memory. I found the main shutoff valve inside the house even though difficult to spot and more difficult to reach. I only get half credit because it took Puget Sound Energy (PSE) Guy to find the outside meter to the house underground and buried in snow in my neighbor’s garden. That was a surprise discovery considering we have lived here almost 24 years. Thirdly, Trick Questions Test (TQT) measured my inability to think under pressure:

PSE Guy: Do you want me to turn off the water from street to house?

Wife: Do you want to pay $400 per hour holiday labor rate (through Sunday) for Quality Plumbing (QP) Guy because our regular plumber cannot schedule us for an estimate until January 7th?

Wife: Quality Plumbing Guy is stuck in snow at the bottom of our street. What do you want to do?

I made one walking round trip (9 houses down) to get QP Guy and two harrowing driving roundtrips in my car to (1) get the tool to turn on the valve PSE Guy shut off and (2) deposit QP Guy back at his truck after mortgaging my house to Quality Plumbing to get water flowing for now.

25 thoughts on “Testing Testing Testing”

  1. I didn’t realize finals were today….shit, I didn’t study! Sounds like you didn’t either. Oh well, see you next semester! Happy New Year to you and your family, my friend. This was spot-on with your wry wit and humor.

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  4. Perhaps you got the same inconvenient freezing storm that coastal BC got? My daughter (Surrey BC) had a gushing water incident in her laundry room due to the temperatures. Here in Alberta our homes are designed for cold, but we still had a NHFF (no heat from furnace) and two USLR (Unauthorized Squirrel in Living Room) incidents.

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  9. One more not-so-cheap thrill for 2021, Geoff. We dealt with plumbing issues yesterday, too, and had to send our guy on a wild goose chase to find whatever leak was running underground that kept the water meter spinning 24/7.

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  10. We have a DOP that plagues our house often when we leave for a couple weeks. DOP, for the uniformed, is the Demon Of Plumbing.
    Once he ran a dribble of the water in an upstairs tub where no one was until it soaked the bathmat hanging over the edge and the water ran down the garage wall.
    Another time, he (or a more demonic compatriot) attacked our upstairs master bath so that when we returned from two weeks in Canada our kitchen ceiling was on the floor with the cabinets just barely hanging onto their last screws to the walls. The bill suggested he had broken a feed line to the toilet between 48 and 72 hours before our return.
    Now we shut off the water whenever we leave for more than one day, so last time he decided to attack our drain line – the house drain broke and clogged back up into the house so when I flushed a toilet, water (still clean) came up the first floor shower drain!!
    Not sure where he will attack next since we removed the boulders he lodged against the house drain line.

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