Paraquat

Paraquat is apparently a toxic weed and grass herbicide developed by tort lawyers. I bought it in the quart size. I knew it was a funny word but always thought it referred to a pair of quats and I grew plenty of those pimples. They multiply into quatroquats. I even named my parakeet “paraquat.” If my occasional hand tremor develops into Parkinsons, I have “valuable rights” according to television commercials. They encourage me to pursue “substantial monetary settlements” if I have been exposed to paraquat. I just established documentation that I drank it by the quart. Now I just have to wait to get sick. But I regret googling paraquat because it got less funny and shortened a promising post. I think I will schedule it on Christmas Day when traffic will be light.

24 thoughts on “Paraquat

  1. Wasn’t that what the government, in it’s infinite wisdom sprayed on marijuana plants to save us from its perils? Yeah, that wasn’t funny either. Thankfully, the government has seen the folly of its ways and no longer does such things. Forgive me my sarcasm – Netflix gifted us with “Don’t Look Up” for Christmas and its superficial humor couldn’t lighten its dark message. Merry Christmas and have a swell new year!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Any news on whether there will be a Paraquat Olympics? No? Probably not, everyone will take their substantial monetary compensation and hit the beach.
    Speaking of class action awards, I recently received one…$1.32! I’m rich!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I got one of those dollar and change settlements from being an AT&T customer sometime in the past. They’re still ripping me off. The buck something didn’t seem to ease my pain. I have a friend who blames his associates Parkinson’s on smoking Paraguat soaked weed. I mentioned we all smoked that same weed. I was told not to the same degree. I was like how the hell did the dude walk and talk much less become a $ petroleum chemical geologist that fucked up. Excuses dry up in the face of logic. As an aside I worked on “Don’t sniff the benzene” hard hat movies in the late 70s. However no hippie musician gaffers were injured re-enacting toxic exposure events. Who can I sue for that acid I dropped in Hawaii that made me think I could walk home?

    Liked by 1 person

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