Junk Mail

Archaeologists and private investigators have long sifted through garbage to learn everything about a person or a people. In today’s technological age, digging through someone’s computer is an easier way to compile a complete profile. My junk mail alone identifies me as very promiscuous and sexy for an old man. I am also extremely lucky in other ways. I have won an incredible amount of lotteries and discovered so many long lost relatives. And lucrative business deals come out of nowhere and everywhere and fall in my lap. I am just waiting for the checks to roll in now that I have completed all the paperwork and submitted the handling fees. The word has gotten around that I am about to become wealthy because I get emails and ads on my computer trying to sell me so much stuff. My opinions are highly valued by major corporations who constantly ask for survey inputs. I am also exposed as very forgetful. I get messages about IRS delinquencies, packages I was not expecting, and credit cards I did not know I had. Today an agency representing Dos Equis asked me to apply to be the new Most Interesting Man in the World. I just ordered the Audition Package. I should be a shoe-in.

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